Hungry and diseased babies are real. Time to like it!

Know a baby with AIDS or heard about a baby with AIDS? Seen a baby with Cholera? Been attacked by a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth baby? It’s all too common in today’s world for babies to be riddled with a filthy disease. Well, now is your time to do something about it! Very Smart Things? is in the business of saving hungry, diseased, babies… every time you “like” or “share” a story on Facebook and Twitter we save a baby. It’s that simple. With a click you can save a baby from disease and famine. Be smart. Save a baby.

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BREAKING: Anal Decongestant!

The makers of Sudafed have just gotten FDA approval to begin clinical testing on a new drug to decongest your other stuffed hole. That’s right: your butt. It should speed through testing and the drug company hopes to have the product to market by mid 2012. It’s my understanding the pills are taken rectally every 1-2 hours and relieve constipation almost immediately after 12 doses.

The suppositories are roughly the size of a circus peanut and when inserted at least 6 inches into your rear, they secrete and acid-like liquid that literally melts away petrified fecal matter in the anus in question.

For many older patients who get cranky and bloated from constipation, this should be a miraculous new hope for them. For younger patients who have no problems at all, it’s still an enjoyable cleansing experience and the makers of “Sudafed: Rear” will market is as such. Each package will come with disposable gloves.

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Once again, it’s time to make the donuts…

It’s been a week long sabbatical from the blog. To be honest I wasn’t really in the mood to write anything fresh, clean and new for a while having just lost the greatest, Bob Dylan loving, optimist and insanely great entrepreneur of our generation: Steve Jobs. He made the world a better place and made millions of people happy with some of the most innovative products and greatest leaps forward for humankind since DaVinci, Edison, Ford, and Einstein. I take solace in knowing that his advanced inventions and elegant gadgetry are around us all the time. His passion and love for what he did are apparent in it all. He will be sorely missed but he will never be gone.

I know if he were here today he’d say… pick up that iPad, or grab that iPhone out of your pocket and open that WordPress App and start writing about magic, trolls, radishes, poop and gingivitis… or whatever other very smart things need to be put out into the world at the moment. So, it’s with a heavy heart, but a renewed sense of hope and optimism and the spirit of living life to the fullest, that I put digits to glass and finger out some more smart things to make the world better. Without further hesitation, I will begin to finger you… some very smart things.

Here's to the crazy ones... Thanks for everything, Steve.

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Subscribe to Smartness

Just to be sure you don’t miss a beat… you can now subscribe via email to the blog and be alerted when something smart and or intelligent and or genius is written about. It might save your life.

Click on “Follow the Smarts” option on the right toolbar and get smart.

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Steve Jobs has passed away. 1955-2011.

http://www.apple.com

This is a huge loss.

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Apple legal: BODY SLAM!

Holy habeas corpus! That didn’t take long. We were called 5 mins ago to warn us to remove the images we had obtained of the iPhone 5. If you tried clicking the link and got a dead link or just the same picture as in the post it was most likely after we had to succumb to the demands of a very strong arming legal team. For those of you that saw it… Isn’t it amazing?! I wish I could describe it to the readers but I have been forbidden to do so by Apple legal as well. The next time we have an exclusive I suggest you get on it right away!

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VST EXCLUSIVE! iPhone 5 photo!

We have an exclusive leaked photo from behind the scenes set up for tomorrow’s Apple Keynote speech at 10am. A SPY SHOT of the new iPhone 5! Click the image below to reveal the new iPhone!

Unlock the Hoff & Deen to see the new iPhone 5!

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A Letter From the Past

In our third installment, Tommy continues to send love notes home to his dearest, Bernice.

My Dearest Bernice,

It’s getting cold here. Some days I get the feeling this war will never end. We fight. They die. They fight. We die. Back. Forth. Baaaaack… forth.. I think you can see where this is going. And we’re doing this all for the Jews? I mean, they’re cool and all, I guess. Right?

Anyway, I won’t go into my regular “war is hell” routine. I know it can be tedious. Let’s talk about brighter notes and better things. I hope you are finding joy in life while I am away. I hate the idea of you sulking about and crying because you miss me. Enjoy your life and I will be home soon enough. I am trying to  heed my own advice. Just getting through the days and getting as much good out of each day that I can. Michael has been a real rock me for in these trying times. He’s been there for me day and night. He makes me laugh and giggle. He even found my tickle spot! You know the one on the back of my leg right below my left buttock? YUP. That very same one. I close my eyes and pretend it’s you. Oh, gosh, how I miss you, Bernice. My love… a woman.

I must confess some nights I think inappropriate things about you and pleasure myself. Is that weird that I have told you this? Michael does it too. I’ve seen it.

Anyway. I miss you soooo much. I have to run and meet up with Michael before bed. He has a terrible ache in his achilles from a battle today – I think he pulled something. I told him I would help out any way I could so that he would be ship shape and ready for battle with those no good, stinkin’ Nazis tomorrow. A sports massage should do just the thing. I tell ya, being an Army man has really made me appreciate my brothers in arms. 

Your one true love,

Tommy

P.S. – I am out of reading material. If it’s not too much trouble could you send me a few copies of Playgirl? That is the one with naked women in it. It’s called PlayGirl. It’ll be a real hoot to show the guys one of those. Michael would love it too. Oh, it sometimes has a man on the cover to fool people, but that’s the one with ladies in it. I’m positive.  Just grab a few and send them. Oh, and don’t open them. Your eyes are too pure for such perverted things.


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